The Atlanta Chamber Journal

A Modest Proposal to achieve the Progressive Final Solution
BY Jon Swift and A. Mark Zhist
Special to the ACJ

Since many of our readers are likely familiar with Ayn Rand’s mean-spirited novel, ATLAS SHRUGGED, they have some sense that President Obama’s proposal to double taxes on the top five percent of Americans (largest incomes) is not likely to work effectively and quickly enough---especially with 95% of taxpayers getting a promised tax cut and with all of us getting expanded 'free' health care. The greedy bloodsucking five percent might just go “on strike” like the characters in Rand’s novel. They won’t hold still for hope and change and will take action to hide, horde or preserve their wealth.

This is in keeping with the classic analogy of the frog placed in boiling water. We all know that a frog tossed into a pot of boiling water will leap out in a hurry if he can get enough traction with his powerful legs to make the leap over the pot’s rim. The preferred method is to place the frog in a pot of lukewarm water. He will lounge about in the comfortable water while the heat is applied in increments to bring the water to a boil very slowly. The frog won’t realize that he’s being cooked until it’s too late...at which point he won’t have the strength or presence of mind to make the leap to safety.

Like the greedy Americans in 1776 and those in 1861 who believed that they possessed God-given rights to keep and protect their lives and their property, these modern, but backward-thinking Americans in the top five percent would resist sharing their abundance with poorer Americans who just want a helping hand for the rest of their lives. Besides, everyone knows that our rights come from government and since the Constitution is properly a “Living Document” it must change with the times to meet our ever-expanding needs and to define our ever-expanding rights.

Our visionary Supreme Court found the right to kill inconvenient unborn children hiding in the prenumbras of the text in 1972. Likewise, our visionary leaders in recent years have discovered the right to "free" prescription drugs for life (even a blind Bush hog finds an acorn now and then) and the current majority of Congress recognizes the right of every citizen and millions of illegal aliens to have "free" healthcare services from cradle to grave. Yet, the greedy five-percenters have the audacity to oppose hope and change and they've enlisted the help of rabble-rousing racists, rightwing extremists and assorted troublemakers to protest in the streets carrying silly signs about tea. Their outdated ideas about Life, Liberty and Property are as annoying as they are selfish. We know that with proper education, some can be made to see the light.

Fortunately, we have visionary leaders like President Obama who believe that those greedy five-percenters should share and he’s willing to take the sandwich from their greedy hands and cut it into small pieces to pass out to Americans with empty hands. The Empty-Handed Americans heartily support this “fundamental change” in America; they are thrilled at the prospect of Obama “spreading the wealth” for the good of all. If Jesus could feed thousands with a loaf of bread and a fish, we know that Obama can feed 285 million with a few million sandwiches all while walking on water. Even the cigar chomping fat capitalist Winston Churchill agreed that the “inherent virtue” of socialism “is the equal sharing of misery.” And who could be against “equality?”

Rightwing capitalist zealots like Ayn Rand disparage progressive thinkers like Obama as “moochers and looters.” Fortunately, her greedy ideas have been largely discredited by visionaries like FDR, LBJ and now, Obama. Despite the fact that no nation on earth has ever taxed and spent its way into prosperity, we know that Obama is on the right track to bring us the hope and change we need. Just a few trillion more and the dream of Utopia is within our reach. Yes, we can.

We need hope and change that is Swift and Sure. Since most of our military is tied up with operations in Iraq and Afghanistan (and Iran if necessary), we cannot afford to get bogged down in a bloody civil war with the greedy top-five-percenters. As President Obama has noted, too many Americans bitterly cling to their guns and religion, and thus they are unwilling to compromise in a bipartisan way to share their wealth with needy Americans. This is so unfair and so dangerous to peace and hope. Clinging to their Bibles and their guns, they have the greedy audacity to defend themselves, so we cannot just seize what they have, from all 15 million of them, for the public good, without risking a violent episode.

We agree there's a need to disarm all Americans to prevent paranoid militias and racist rightwingers from threatening progressive people with violence. Such a program should be started as soon as possible, but it won't be practical to do without loss of life. As the progressive visionaries at the Southern Poverty Law Center tell us, those rightwing hate-filled psychos have the backwards idea that they have the right to defend themselves and they would shoot back. So, though it's obvious we must confiscate firearms for our safety, we know that doing so would consume time that we can't spare now, during the crisis that we should not waste. We need to act now to help the empty handed Americans who have a right to government help.

Therefore, we put forward this MODEST PROPOSAL that will meet the need for 95% of Americans for hope and change --- although we recognize that less than 60% of Americans were wise enough to vote for Obama.

As the election of November 2008 showed, Americans are impatient for action. We need hope and change NOW and we don’t want to wait for it. Reactionary racist anarchists like Robert Higgs of the extremist Independent Institute cannot be trusted, and they tell us that hope and change are impossible. Who cares about abstractions like “Liberty” when so many are starving for help from the government?

"The trouble is... the American people have little interest in liberty. Instead, they want the impossible: home ownership for those who cannot afford homes, credit for those who are not creditworthy, old-age pensions for those who have not saved, health care for those who make no attempt to keep themselves healthy, and college educations for those who lack the wit to finish high school. Moreover, they want it now, and they want somebody else to pay for it." --Robert Higgs

We know that with the right leadership and just a little more tax money, we can have home ownership for everyone, credit for everyone, pensions for everyone, health care for everyone, college education for everyone, clean, plentiful energy and we can get others to pay for it. These are Rights and we want them now. The greedy five-percenters can and should pay for it. They only pay forty percent of all income taxes now and they should pay much more. This is only fair.

We want fairness now. But history shows that we can’t rush perfection. Just as with the frog in the boiling water, we must have the patience to do this in degrees, slowly turning up the heat. It's obvious to us that the 22nd Amendment is unconstitutional. Once it is properly ruled an unfair and racist restriction, we can be assured of a third and fourth term for Obama the wise one, in the tradition of FDR. We'll need that to properly implement hope and change over time.

Capitalist revolutionary Thomas Jefferson once said that “Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have.” Of course, that just shows that he doesn’t get it. He was one of the greedy five percent in his day, so naturally he didn’t like the idea of fairness and sharing. He is clearly out of step with how things are now; he lived in a time before Lincoln and FDR showed how larger centralized government can solve a major crisis.

Five percent of our 300 million population is 15 million. That’s a lot folks to round up at once...and they might start resisting. So, the gradual approach must be followed.

We have starving people who need food now. Our modest proposal will tap a significant new source of high-protein meat and will reserve the government peanut butter and cheese for the vegetarians amongst us. Our Modest Proposal is to start with the top one half of one percent, or roughly 1.5 million top earning greedy people. We know that these wealthy people have access to the best health care, so we know they are mostly disease free and a high percentage of them will be fit. There will be some who are fat, and we’ll butcher them first, holding the more fit specimens in 'fast food' camps for fattening. For example, Bill Gates (richest man) looks rather lean.

There are a wide variety of cooking methods that can be used, but obviously we should prefer the slow cooking modes (like smoking and steaming) that will leave the meat tender. (Smoking may be subject to new energy regulations, Cap & Trade, etc.) Obviously, proper marinate is needed to season the dish to individual liking.

Like loaves and fish, we are confident that President Obama can spread this wealth around and feed the most people with these 1.5 million most rich people. After that, we can proceed (slowly) to the second one half a percent.

This modest proposal as you can see is the ultimate fairness. We feed the hungry and eliminate the greedy protestors who would cling to their wealth like they cling to their guns and religion. By proceeding slowly, we take out the top one half percent at a time. Their wealth will be collected for the good of all using the new higher inheritance taxes. Of course, the children and heirs of the top five-percenters will eventually be happy to comply with the new inheritance taxes which will in effect remove them from the top five percent.

We anticipate that this program might result in some greedy five-percenters suddenly deciding to donate large sums of wealth to charities in an effort to remove themselves from the top echelon lists. We cannot have these private charities siphoning off the funds needed by empty handed Americans. Appropriate legislation will be adopted to allow the IRS to seize excessively large contributions from those on our five-percenter list. Any charities who aid and abet five-percenters in directing their wealth away from the people’s treasury will have their tax exempt status revoked and/or their assets and bank accounts seized. Likewise, legislation will be passed prohibiting private transfers of wealth over $2,000 (with the exception of candidates for public office).

As we implement the promised tax cuts for the 95%, and eventually, the weekly bonuses, we realize that cash may become scarce until we have a firm handle on the hording by the five-percenters. President Obama and his Treasury Secretary stand ready to keep the printing presses running 24/7 as needed to meet our needs. The only requirement to qualify for the weekly bonuses is to be registered to vote. Don't worry about antiquated qualifications, like citizenship and residence. The Voting Rights Act will be used by the Justice Department to ensure that any global citizen who wants to can vote. No language barriers will be allowed; English is entirely optional to vote. Ballots will be available in any language you wish. Your Community Organizer will provide a list of the candidates for whom you should vote.

As citizens under our glorious leader, Obama, you will be expected to occasionally attend a rally or speech in support of the Obama programs. Transportation, signs and refreshments will be arranged for you. Once you're properly included you will be eligible for Food Stamps, Aid to Dependent Children, Medicaid, Unemployment Compensation, Education Tuition Grants even though you can't read or speak English and many other benefits all available from your Community Organizer. If you aren't getting enough, just contact any union representative who will likely also be your Community Organizer.

And you can have your ballot mailied to you back in your home country if you happen to be visiting the folks when the weather is good. We already mail a half million ballots from Florida to Israel and we're prepared to get many more out to support the vision of our glorious leader for full participation.

As we move forward into the glorious new era of hope and change, fundamental change, we know that this gradual approach to the Modest Proposal will work best. President Obama has called for some shared sacrifice. Let us begin.

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